What: Wild West Coaster
Price: $6.99 for adults, $4.99 for kids under 12
Length: 5 minutes
Rundown: One of the physically largest attractions in the Great Canadian Midway is the Wild West Coaster, a ride that promises a six-dimensional experience. What are the six dimensions, you may ask? Great question! Let’s take this back a step: movies are 2D. This one is 3D, since you wear 3D glasses and all that. Now we need to find three more D’s. One is that the seats move—it’s a simulated roller coaster, so you get jerked around a lot. That’s 4D. Then, according to the press materials, there’s “realistic motion with up to 2 G’s of acceleration”—I guess “acceleration” is a fifth dimension? Okay, then the sixth D is… uh… the lights, maybe? Are “lights” a dimension? Do I travel into a fourth dimension every time I turn on my bedside lamp? Look, this whole thing is pretty dumb. Not only is it dumb, but it’s expensive. Seven dollars is egregious by any standard. Pony up a few more loonies and you can play mini-golf for an hour, instead of getting whiplash in a dark room while a cartoon cowboy chases a—yes, let’s call it like it is—racistly drawn Mexican bandit.
Worth It? Absolutely not.